Need to do don’t mean a thing these days

For the past couple of hours, I been fighting this internal battle. 

I know what I have to do, what I need to do actually. 

But you see, knowing something, is different from doing it.

We all know things we’d rather do, but don’t anyway.

The human condition? 

Anyway, so I am hoping that by writing this down, it would finally click in my head that I’m really wasting my life away. Then I would finally snap out of it.

So, dearest, highly frustrating school books (and company), 

Here I come!!!

#makingmoneymoves😎

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Adulting

When we were younger, we had fewer cares. There were fewer complications. When I was having a crappy life, there was a high chance that I was the only one having a crappy time. So, in effect, the loving support was, pretty solid.

Now, everyone is going through crap. Everyone has a lot of stuff they are dealing with. Everyone has experienced or is experiencing a certain kind of death. It’s overwhelming. Suffocating.

Deadly.

I want to be there for you all the time. To hold your hands when you’re facing your fears. To rock you in my arms when you have a nightmare. I want to keep you safe. Make sure you’re always okay.

But I need all of that too.
I’m trying to be strong. And I really want to be strong for you too. I really, really do. But I just can’t. It’s too hard. Too much, too fast. I am barely holding it all together.

I am trying but I just don’t know if I can be there for you the way I want to.
Please, understand. It’s not that I don’t want to…

I can’t.

Pillar of salt

You don’t stop loving them. You can’t stop loving them. You can only only choose to break the cycle. To accept that you have no control over the feelings of others. To understand that you deserve much more than the surplus attention they have to offer, or the excess feelings they have left over. To believe that you are worth more than you give yourself credit for and they are not worth the pain you put yourself through. You need to break the cycle of events that always leaves you in tears and heartache. Bust out of it! It’s easy to dish out nice words that sound almost unrealistic. I know. But you cannot allow them to dictate your mood anymore. You are in charge of you. You decide what goes where and who sits on the high table of your heart. You. Nobody can just come and cause trouble and go. Put your foot down. Show them who’s boss! Pack your things, they can keep whatever emotions and feelings of yours that’s already with them. You don’t need them anyway. But don’t add any more. Pick yourself up, wipe your shoes at the door. “It was nice knowing you.” Don’t look back. Anything you do, no matter what happens, do not look back. You’re the boss. If they want you, they know where to find you. Show them who’s boss. End the cycle.

If only…

I’ve been reading a lot lately.

I like to tell myself that it’s for educational purposes, but I’m reading for you.

All the words you’d never read. All the things you can never say. All the moments you’d never share. All the things you can never do…

I know that at least, when I read, I’m doing one of these things for you.

Present Future

I have been called cold and calculating and uncaring. None of them are lies. None are blatant truths either. Grey areas I guess.

 

To every rule, there is an exception. You’re my exception. The one I break the rules for. The one I use all my cards on. The game changer. 
I keep saying, one last time. One more chance. This is the last… 
I guess it’s all part of the exceptions because I do not go back on my word. And I don’t break my rules. Okay maybe for family. But that’s it. Then again,  family is the natural exception so my statement still holds. 
You idiot. 
Anyway, they say that the ones you love most are the ones whose pain hurts most. If that be the case, I would have died of pain before I met you. But that’s another story. So…
I am not going to say all those things I usually say. Like, I’m never going back… This is the last time…and all the other derivatives of that. 
The truth is, I have no idea what the future holds. I was really hoping it had you in it a long time ago and now that it does,  ah well… Be careful what you wish for… 
So no matter what the future holds,  I am glad that I finally get to be with someone who isn’t you. And I am glad that I had to wait for you, in order to find out. 
I guess great things come to those who wait after all. 

Born to win

It’s our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.


When I turned thirteen, my father sat me down and talked about boys and all their antics. Back then, I wasn’t interested in boys like that so I cared less. But I valued the conversation anyway. When he finished the talk, he said there was something he was going to tell me on my eighteenth. Something very important. So I should remind him when the time came.
There are many wonderful secrets in my family that I had been curious about. I figured the eighteenth birthday talk was going to be some kind of closure conversation.

When I turned sixteen, he asked, “Did I say sixteen or eighteen before I tell you that thing I mentioned? Everyone around was immediately as curious as I was. Well, almost as curious (I had been waiting the longest!) I reminded him, eighteenth. And the celebrations went on afterwards.
The day I turned eighteen, I remembered. However, I didn’t run and go ask my dad what the secret was. 

No, I had not lost interest. I wasn’t particularly talking to my father at the time. I’m not sure why though, but I remember hearing what the special message was days after my birthday because I had a certain pride that stopped me from asking.

You were born to win.

That was it! I had waited five whole years to hear five whole words. To say I was disappointed is a grave understatement. But either way, it was important. 
Now I realize that, it was worth the wait because I actually believe those words. 

Imagine if I was told when I’d turned thirteen, I would have heard it, but I doubt it would have made the same amount of impact in my life. 
Yes, yes, I make the most irrational decisions known to man sometimes, but I always believe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I may not have been told how my future would go, but I know it’s a happy ending so I’m just… 

Well, I’m not sure what I’m doing, but I’m doing anyway. After all, I can’t have the story with the happy ending if I sit on my hands.

I was born to win. So when life throws me crap, I create biogas😎

Truth!!!

Violets are blue

Roses are red

The sun is yellow

Violets are blue

Green means GO!

I’ve learnt a lot of things this year. Consciously and unconsciously, I’ve learnt.

Some, more important than others.
For instance, I’ve learnt how to keep calm under pressure. It was hard at first though. I’d freak out and go all white girl hyperventilation things all over the situation. I’d go through all the worst case scenarios over and over again till I’m utterly petrified of the outcome. It didn’t matter who spoke to me, who tried to comfort me, or who was there for me. Once the process began, I was on a one-way, no-turning-back, highway to messed up. 
Anyhoo, I read a story recently about a girl who could not cry. She could laugh, scream, love, get angry… But she could not shed a single tear to save her life. I was in awe. I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to not feel pain. 

Invincible!
But I’m not. 

I’m not that girl. I try. Oh good Lord, do I try! But I can’t be that girl. I can’t not feel pain. I can’t unfeel the pain I feel. I can’t dismiss my pain. 
As a matter of fact, sometimes I tend to believe that pain is the predominant feeling in every human life. Love, joy, anger and all of that are just commercial breaks and intermissions.
Most importantly, with hugs and kisses, I’ve learnt to embrace pain. After all,

It never lets go.